searching
for something
lost
that
will never
be found
Jamie slaps me hard across the face
walks past me
struggle to put the cigarette to my lips
my hands shake uncontrollably
something starts to break inside
of me
this bar is becoming
a nightmare
everything tastes of metal
some girls try to talk to me
i buy them drinks with the card i nicked
from some john earlier in the day
we dance
i can barely feel my face
i start to laugh
one of the girls throws her arms over my shoulders
at their apartment
there are prints of italian paintings on the wall
covered in dark red splatter
im led into an all white bedroom
the lights dim
im handed a joint and I take a few long drags
the three of us fuck
in the morning I gently move an arm off of me
put my shirt and jeans on
there are tiny soaps in the bathroom
i rummage through one of their clutch purses
take the money
the mobile
the keys
in the garage i feel a slight bit of panic
but it’s lifted as soon as I roll out
how far can this go
i call Victoria
she gets in
we drive
in another life
maybe I was on a little sidewalk
a brick laid Parisian avenue
stuck in a Wong Kar Wai film
listening to Astor Piazzolla’s
Tango Apasionada
the ocean
incomplete thoughts
float to the surface and disappear
i am
so fucking
depressed
i hate myself so much
and i can’t make it stop
i just want to fucking end it
rotten
paper
uncrumpled paper
i think about the texture of uncrumpled paper
and i stand across the street
watch his arm around your waist
you smile
i light a cigarette
look away
lean against a wall
there’s a small breeze
i look at you again
you stare back at me
i feel
like paper
in the hotel
stained yellow sheets
line the bed
Victoria trys to phone me
I wish I could be honest with her
I wish I could be honest
I wish I could
be
I wish
sometimes i feel like falling over
detachment
the world
turns in on itself
looping
asphyxiation
i light another cigarette
sharp warm sensations
flood my stomach
am i hungry?
outside
people talk to one another
walk on sidewalks
wait for
hold the ember
close to my arm
press down
firmly
completely
i can’t sleep
she throws the blanket
her arm
over my shoulder
tells me things
will be ok
will feel better
i begin to
vomit
and make no effort
to stop
picture
all the hills
in flames
the Thompson Twins
play loudly
Victoria is dancing
in the middle of it all
she mouths the chorus
while staring at me
from across
the cramped loft
lies, lies, lies, yeah
lies, lies, lies, yeah
an arm wraps around her waist
a strobe light blinds me
i feel sick
in the kitchen
someone
who knows
Victoria
who owns
this place
this building
puts his hand on my back
and smiles at me
on his bed
he sits a little too close
we smoke weed
get high
he tells me about the first time he met her
how she stayed with him for almost a year
he offers me pills
-what are they?
“does it matter?”
i take them
he tells me to take another hit
i do
can’t tell
how
much
time
has passed
he places his hand in the center of my chest
and pushes me back
i inhale deeply
feels like
im falling
forever
i can feel his hand slide up my thigh
he starts to touch
try to
move my arms
he laughs
pushes them away
i couldn’t
care
less
he pulls my pants off
slaps me hard across the face
turns me over
feel
nothing
am
nothing
